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  • Writer's pictureJ.R. Bjornson


Welcome to another open mic performance. Heads up, this is just for practice. But I enjoy documenting my experience and journey in

this world known as stand up comedy.

PS I have included the subtitle script at the bottom of the video in case you don't feel like turning the sound on. I understand. We all should be at work right now.

The blindness is real. I wish I could fake it. Like that's what I think Helen Keller. Did I think she faked it? And she did a great job because I would love to, I would love to figure just one day, okay. Ef this, I'm done, Just gonna get back in my van and drive away, you know, like there's people out there who fake being homeless, right? They look all dishevelled and then they go home and they live in these mansions at least I would hope they do anyway. I want to be that just really fake, just fake it all up, you know? I wonder if I was to do LSD would I get my vision back, who knows probably freak right out though, audience member “You could try what do you got to lose your eyesight? HAHAHA… excactly right? Right. Now, in the world food, prices are going up. There's more poverty and here I'm debating. If I should shave or not? So I think my life's pretty good, you know, trying to lose weight really does suck three years ago, I was at my lowest weight 212 pounds and then vanilla Pepsi came out for a limited time and I went back to 260 so I'm trying to stay the course again. But man, it sucks but then I realized. Well what? If I don't do it for weight loss, like I have five pairs of jeans and three of them don't fit. These are my favorite jeans. These used to be black, but I'm told they're gray now. So I, I really gotta upgrade. But now I'm thinking, what if I don't lose weight for myself? What if I lose weight, just so I can buy new clothes, so that's my new motto in life, you know, do it for the clothes. I do it for the jeans because that's what my goal is. And as you can tell, I never buy stuff for myself. I made this shirt in grade 10 and that was like 2007. So, yeah, I gotta, I got to do more self help, you know. The mailman. In this case, a pretty sure she's a woman because she said hi to me a few times wrote me a very angry letter today that she said, I'm not delivering to you until you shovel your sidewalk. I'm not making this up. It's really did happen today but I felt offended. Because she had the balls to get mad at me over a letter, but she didn't write it in braille, it was in print. So I had to go ask for someone to read it to me and feel even more ridiculed Let's see, I asked my ah oh here it is. I asked my son, what is his greatest accomplishment at being 12 years old? And he said, my best accomplishment, was being born and I'm like, what? Dude, you climb the monkey bars. Today you sat on top of those bars? No dad. That was nothing. The accomplishment was being born is so, yeah, I really love his way of life, and hopefully I'm doing a good job as a parent. Having five kids. That's right. I have five kids. I tap my way into that, you know, seeing is not believing but it works right. Even though John over there tries to convince me, one of them is black but ours that is cousin. You know, that was my cousin. I would never say that. No worries. Oh yeah. Having five kids. I always feel really weird when we walk into Walmart, because it's like, like it boots or come in and I feel like we should launch a business, right? So if you need a lineup of just seven individuals outside your business, email me will pretend to make your business. Looks look. Like it's selling out because there's seven of us. I read the title of a headline because that's all you need before. You can jump to conclusions, right? You don't even have to read the whole story, but there was this pilot who flew a plane of passengers through the Aurora Borealis are my culture as they call it the northern lights and my mother raised me and she was, you know, proudly indigenous, my father was white. So, yeah, you know, this side had Land and this side took land, You know the usual. And ah. growing up. We were always told these weird beliefs, like, don't whistle at the Northern Lights. If you whistle at the northern lights, they will come in. Take your soul away, which is the weirdest way of saying, don't whistle at those lights, you know? So if I was on that plane and that pilot flew us through the Northern Lights, I would think I was going to die. I would shit a brick. I like that joke because I get to explain it and it's a work in progress. Like all of our Lives tonight. In a, I've learned so much. Audience member “Yeah no shit” HAHAHA This is the best Open Mic ever. Text messaging growing up was tough for me because I couldn't read the text messages, they didn't have Braille phones or anything like that. So T9 was a classic way of texting back in the day. Remember when you could text message to Facebook updates back in the day, that's what I did. A lot for two months, straight T9 kept taking the word bus and turning it into the word cup. So, for the past two months, I was taking the city cup and nobody knew what the hell. The city cup was Finally, somebody put me out of my misery. They commented what the hell is the city cup? And I’m like you know the cup you get on. First you get on cup 2 then you get on cup 4 and then you end up at Wall Mart. That cup. Dude you're talking about the bus! And I'm like yes why? It's not the cup. And then I finally had to login with my big magnifying glass and see that it was indeed the cup. Moral of the story do not use T9 I am happy that doesn't exist anymore. And that is the majority of my jokes. Thank you so much.

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